![]() There's nothing like a stint in a locked ward to make one grateful for the freedoms and burdens of full citizenship. I'll never forget gazing through the barred windows of the psychiatric ward into the parking lot, watching people come and go effortlessly, wondering if I'd ever be like them again. Things that most people grumble about-paying bills, maintaining a car, working 9 to 5 -strike me as incredible privileges. 5 Most of the time, I feel lucky to blend in with the crowd. Ironically, my disorder has taught me to be healthier and happier than I was before. Eating wisely, sleeping well, and exercising regularly keep me balanced from day to day. Now I manage my moods with the vigilance of a mother hen, nudging them back to center whenever they wander too far. Since then, a combination of therapy, visits to a psychiatrist, medication, and inner calibration have helped me find an even keel. Admitting I had a disorder that I'd have to manage for life was the hardest thing I've ever done. It took a second, less-severe psychotic episode in 1997, followed by a period of deep depression, to convince me I truly was bipolar. After my breakdown at 36, I was diagnosed as bipolar, a condition marked by moods that swing between elation and despair. To hear me, you'd never guess God channeled messages to me through my computer. To look at me, you'd never guess I once ran naked through my yard or shuffled down the hall. You'd never know that seven years ago, fueled by the stress of a failing marriage and fanned by the genetic inheritance of a manicdepressive grandfather, I had a psychotic break. 3 Sometimes I'm not sure myself what I am. Only a few people at work know I'm manic-depressive, or bipolar, as it's sometimes called. Every morning I send my son to junior high school, put on professional garb and drive off to my job as alumnimagazine editor at a prep school, where I've worked for six years. If I can't throw those words around, who can? Being a functional member of society and having a mental disorder is an intricate balancing act. Nearly every day, without thinking, I say things like "So-and-s 0 is driving me crazy" or "That's nuts!" Sometimes I catch myself and realize that I'm not being sensitive toward people with mental illness.
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